It has been difficult to put my thoughts and feelings into written form since losing my incredible angel mother. Mom was always there, always eager to talk (usually just as we were eating, since there's a two-hour time zone difference), always working on a stitchery or a story, excited to share her thoughts or her garden's treasure yields (how do I bring a zucchini back to Ohio?). I can't put it all into words, that's simply the problem. I can't describe the hundreds, if not thousands of times that she helped me put things into perspective.
And one thing I haven't had to do is learn how to grieve...until now.
So I plunged wholeheartedly into something that I could do, that would be productive, that would walk me through the process without my having to think, or create major plans, or follow a set schedule. That something turned out to be my Young Women Personal Progress.
I had no idea it would help me through the grieving process. I just clung to it, like a drowning person to a lifesaver, as something I could do when I started to think too much, and cry. And it helped a lot.
Some days I would spend several hours, working on my Personal Progress. Or I would get started on another project, and I would have a meltdown, so I would go back to the ottoman in our living room, and sit and study some more, and work on my Personal Progress.
The exercises in each value gave me perspective, and gave me peace. They were almost like having my mother there in the room to talk over things with me. I could reflect upon the messages, and I could see a little more ahead, to how I want my life to be.
One of my projects was caring for her the night she died, and helping dress her body for burial, and following up with caring for her little dog Meggie and her things. I loved sharing much of that experience with my sisters. I wanted to include this time with her as a tribute to her, and to have that be a permanent part of my Personal Progress record.
Another project was working up to, and achieving, a 5K. I did that yesterday! Another was to read the Book of Mormon, which I finished last week.
There were more, of course--8 in all, each requiring a minimum of 10 hours in the project. I rearranged a file system, created a healthy recipe book, and coached someone in personal development. But I think, from the standpoint of my own pleasure, my favorite is the one I have yet to complete--the one I am working on today, and hope to finish soon. It is a song, my hymn of praise to a kind, wise Heavenly Father who allowed me to have my mother as my mother, as a sacred, important part of my life.
I don't have the music written down yet, but the music is in my head, and these are the words of my hymn:
No matter what your burdens be
They will be lightened as you humbly come to me.
My tender mercies help you face
All burdens; come child, and be held in my embrace.
When I find all around me
Is chaos and despair
I look up to the heavens
And He is always there
And when life overwhelms me
Or filled with loneliness,
I kneel and call upon Him
He reaches out to bless....me...
"Be still, and know that I am God
Peace will come in mine own due time
And you will know the love you seek,
My love sublime,
My love sublime.
These words of hope and peace and joy I wrote for you;
Come unto me and I will show you they are true
Come Unto Me! Know I Am here!
Know that I love you! I am always near.
